Heirloom causes rift?

Jealousy vs. rejection

I am caught between a “rock” and a hard place.  My sister-in-law “Lynn” won’t speak to me.  It all started the day she noticed I was wearing the engagement ring that had belonged to her now-deceased mother.  While not extremely valuable, the ring holds considerable sentimental value to me because I was very close to my mother-in-law, in fact closer, she said, than she was to Lynn.  Lynn feels the ring should have been given to “blood,” not me.  I could offer the ring to Lynn, but somehow feel that would be dishonoring her mother’s wishes, and giving in to petty jealousy.  I have shied away from telling Lynn the whole story, as this would hurt her feelings. For years Lynn and I had enjoyed a good relationship.  Has anyone else experienced something like this?  What did you do and how did it turn out?   -- D.F., Hingham, MA

NuKazoo readers share their experiences:

I'm the one who didn't get the heirloom but my brother did.  It's a coin collection that our grandfather took tremendous pride in.  The way I see it is, life's not fair, so I'd better get over it.  What I don't like though, more than the fact that my brother got the only heirloom and I didn't, is that my brother quickly sold the collection.  I know it was his call to make, but somehow it still bugs me.

-- Christine from IN

I have a ring that I'd like to give my grown niece (I have no children of my own and I don't wear the ring anymore), but I don't want to offend her sisters.  More important, I don't want them to bear any ill will toward their sister.  What I decided to do is confide in my niece that I was giving her the ring and point out to her that no good can come of telling her sisters.  It will be our secret.  If the sisters find out it will only be from my niece and she will be the one putting up with the consequences.

-- Meryl, Cincinnati

Sadly yes, this has happened to me.  In my case it was a necklace and I simply told my sister-in-law that “Margie” wanted me to have it.  She then accused me of lying.  The complicating thing here is that the necklace is fairly valuable.  My husband, who Margie's son, has refused to get involved.  The situation caused me no end of anger and hurt, mostly because I can’t believe my sister-in-law put a piece of jewelry before her relationship with me.  But, since family harmony sometimes comes at a price, and since I suspected my sister-in-law was obsessing about the monetary, not sentimental, value, I offered to have it appraised and give her half of the amount of the appraisal.  When she accepted I immediately knew more about her than I ever wanted to know.

 -- Celine, St. Paul

In my case it was a watch, and it was my husband whose nose got out of joint.  His father gave it to his brother, and there was no corresponding sentimental item singled out for my husband, the younger and only other brother.  My husband feels hurt and a little betrayed by what he sees as favoritism, but won’t discuss it with his brother.  I’ve tried to tell him that his brother probably only got it because he is older, but my husband is unconvinced.  I know the hurt has nothing to do with material value; it has everything to do with feeling “less” in the eyes of his dad.  After the gift was “discovered” on my brother-in-law’s wrist I’ve noticed he has never again worn it around his brother.  I respect him for that.  I only wish the boys' father would have addressed the issue head-on with both brothers in such a way that both felt equally honored.

-- Martha, WA

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