Mama's girl or mine?

Cutting the cord

I’m happy my wife has a close relationship with her mother.  The problem is, I believe she may be closer to her than she is to me.  We’ve been married four years.  In all the time I’ve known her, my wife has talked to her mom at least once a day, and tells her “everything.”  Whenever we have an argument, I can be certain my mother-in-law hears about it.  I think my wife’s attachment to her mother is extreme.  She told her she was pregnant with our daughter before she told me.  She arranged a big birthday party for her mother’s 60^th birthday on the same weekend as our anniversary.  When I mention my concern, my wife says her mom is her best friend and my “jealousy” is “immature.”  Has anyone else dealt with something like this?  How did it turn out? – Tim, Ft. Lauderdale

NuKazoo readers share their experiences:

This issue stills stabs at me, but maybe it'll help someone.  My (now ex-) wife was always extremely close to her mother.  I never felt ganged up on by them, but I did often feel like my wife put her mother before me.  She'd choose to spend Sunday afternoons shopping with her mom instead of with me.  She'd plan vacations around what her mom wanted to do rather than discuss what we might do as a couple.  In any case, it all came to a head one terrible day when the flight I took out of O'Hare crashed and I was one of the few to walk away unharmed.  I of course called my wife to tell her I was OK.  She cut the conversation short because she wanted to talk with her mom.  I was speechless.  I don't think I ever got over that.

-- D.S., Chicago suburbs

I am a "mama's girl," and don't see anything wrong with it.  My husband just doesn't "go there" with me emotionally, and my mom does.  If something's bothering me, my husband will offer advice and move on to the next thing.  What I'm really looking for in those cases is a listener and someone who'll have some empathy, not a "fixer."  My husband and I are close on the day-to-day things, but I just know what he'll talk about and what he won't. 

-- Johnna, CT

It took me a long time to realize it's my mother-in-law who needs/feeds the dependency more than my wife.  My wife is her mother's ally, friend, shoulder and counselor.   Once I understood that my wife is more the listener than the talker, I felt much better.  

-- Chad, Dublin, OH

I credit my father-in-law with saving our marriage.  The constant contact of my wife with her mother had become exclusive, with me being the one on the outside.  The issue came to a head when our now 10 year old was diagnosed with a learning disability.  My wife and her mom talked to his teacher and consulted a child psychologist together.   Without me!    Finally I asked my wife's dad for advice.  He said the closeness doesn't bother him, that he just doesn't like to talk very much.  But, since it was bothering me, he agreed to talk to his wife.  Not sure what exactly he said, but ever since then my mother-in-law seems very busy.  She's even started volunteering at the hospital.  I think she's not as available for all that chatting anymore.

--"Barry" from Naperville, IL 

I'm very familiar with this situation.  I had put up with playing my wife's emotional second-fiddle reluctantly until one point in our marriage when I felt some "ganging up" of my wife with her mother against me.  I had to say something.  I explained my feelings to my wife, and told her I was going to talk with her mother about it -- alone.  Fortunately, my mother-in-law is a good listener and I told her I felt her influence may make my wife feel good at the time but that it is hurting our marriage.  I gave her words to use with my wife to place herself on neutral ground around the themes of "this between you and Stan," or "a marriage is best worked on by the two people in it," and the like.  Over the years the criticism of me has decreased and I feel some increased emotional intimacy between my wife and me.

-- Stan from Rye, NY

My mother, my best friend, died two years ago.  She was my confidant and my advisor.  I grieve daily for her.  My husband has filled her shoes as confidant, which has made us closer.  Despite what my husband had always told me, I just didn't see the role my mother was playing when she was alive.

-- Rhonda, Villanova, PA

My mom IS my best friend.  When my husband married me, he married my family. 

-- Alicia, Chicago

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