She confides in you, not parents

Behavior seems risky; shouldn't parents be told?

My brother's 20-something daughter "Mandy" has a wild side and apparently so do her roommates.  From the stories she tells me, their evenings are often filled with drinking, sex and drugs.  As she tells it, her roommates are the catalysts for all the partying, but I wonder.  She says she doesn't always participate and that she's in fact the conservative one of the group.  The kicker here is that she's asked me not to tell her parents about her escapades.  This fact, more than any single story, is what has me concerned.  Why tell me and not my brother or his wife?  She says she doesn't want to worry them and that they wouldn't understand.  I'm ten years younger than my brother, single and live in the city as does Mandy.  Maybe she sees in me a kindred spirit or maybe just someone closer to her age and therefore, she presumes, to her lifestyle.  So far I have honored her request for silence with my brother and his wife.  I get together with my brother's family fairly often, though, and increasingly I'm uncomfortable with the secrecy about Mandy.  I've told her of my concern for her lifestyle and I've encouraged her to share some of her stories with her parents, but so far it seems like nothing has changed.  I'm not sure what to do.  Is her "sharing" with me a cry for help? -- Lynn in Chicago

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

Something similar happened to me with my best friend’s daughter.  I’ve known this girl her whole life, and our families have always been close.  She confided in me this past summer that she’s gotten involved with drugs.  She says she knows it’s wrong and that she’s handling it.  All I could think of was how I’d feel if my friend, the mom, held back info like this, so I told my friend.  I haven’t heard a word since.  My only regret is that I didn’t tell the girl that I’d wouldn’t be keeping her confidence.  I wish I had told her at the time I’d be telling her mother.

– Kris, WI

This is kind of like the child who says to his mom, “don’t tell Dad.”  The only thing a responsible adult can do is respond with, “then don’t tell me.”

– Sharon N.

My brother’s teenage son told me confidentially of a fake-i.d. ring his “friends” were involved in.  He was actually bragging about the money they were making.  I told him at the time it was wrong and that he should distance himself from those “friends.”  I didn’t feel the need to tell my brother, and I don’t feel guilty that I didn’t.

My stepsister, who is 8 years younger than I am, told me about some bad stuff she’s been involved with, which includes some shoplifting.  I felt I had to tell our mom.  Now my sister won’t talk to me.  The only good thing is that the bad behavior had stopped.  Maybe that’s the good that came out of the sacrificed relationship.

– B.R.

I once kept a confidence about something important and destructive going on in my cousin’s life.  I encouraged my cousin to get help, which he did.  My aunt, his mom, found out I had known all along and now she won’t talk to me.  I wonder if I should have gotten involved in the first place.  

– Cynthia in IL

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