September 18, 2006

Lived the high life?

When, not if, they ask

I tried drugs as a youth.  It was a phase of my life I put behind me years ago.  Now I'm concerned that my kids will ask me if I've ever tried them.  I'm not prepared.  Anyone else been through this?  How did it work out? --T.L., Atlanta

NuKazoo readers share their experiences:

I told my kids the truth when they were teenagers because my mistakes of youth continue to haunt me and I want my children to understand the full implications of a decision to use drugs.  Of course there are the physical effects, but I wanted them to know the potentially overwhelming legal ones also.  I was arrested for drug possession.  I avoided jail, but I have had to face the embarrassment and regret every time I've started a new job, volunteered for an organization, etc. (the list is longer than you'd think) and had to fill out a personal history profile.  Using drugs was the biggest mistake of my life and I don't want them ever to make it.

-- Trace from MN

I tried drugs as an adult.  I made the mistake of telling my children of this and telling them what the fun was while strongly emphasizing how bad drugs are for a person.  I used facts, reason and personal experience to support the bad part.  They heard only the fun part -- something they'll hear from their peers anyway.  They see that I'm successful now.  Dad did drugs, so it must not be too bad.  Three out of four of them wound up using drugs to their detriment.  If I had it to do over again I'd use all reason and facts, repeatedly to dissuade them.  And I would deny ever having tried them. 

-- Karl from Florida

I too have told the truth to my kids.  A friend whose daughter is older once said that our children's norms of behavior are not ours.  We must try to learn what theirs are and then react.  To them, trying drugs is no big deal.  I was able to reflect back and be honest with them that my teenage years were less than admirable and to help them appreciate that they have so many opportunities to lead a much richer high school life.  So far, so good for our family.

-- Sara from Chicago

I told them that I have never tried drugs of any kind.  But I also told them that Santa left them presents and that the Tooth Fairy gave them money for their baby teeth.  I believe it's our job as parents to give children information when they are ready for it.  Some lies are OK, depending on the context.  I expect that when my children are adults I will come clean with them, and explain why I lied earlier, and only hope they will understand.

-- T. B., Chestnut Hill , PA

Perhaps a vague answer is best. Something like... I did a lot of things in the past and not all were good choices. But I can say that I feel drugs are wrong and today we know so much about what harm they can do.

-- Maggie from Chicago

I ran into this problem a few years ago.  I thought the question was coming, too, so I decided ahead of time not to tell my children the truth.  My rationale was that nothing good could come of me telling them I had tried drugs, even if I would have followed it up with a quick and earnest denouncing of my actions.   I believe that had I told them the truth, they would have seen it as a sort of endorsement of trying drugs.  The stakes are just too high. I have no regrets about how I handled it with them.

-- Andrea, Omaha

My husband and I have different points of view on this one.  I decided to tell my four children the truth, and I'm very glad I did.  It gave me the chance to talk about decision-making, the consequences of bad decisions, and how I didn't have the information they do about the consequences of taking drugs.  I appealed to their intelligence to make the right decision.  So far it has worked out well and to my knowledge they haven't used drugs.  I think the question gave us a chance for honest dialogue that otherwise wouldn't have happened.  Also, I think I'm a lousy liar.  I would have forgotten what I told one child and somehow been busted when I told another child something else!

-- Gayle, Munster, IN

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