Family disapproval important?

BF says religious differences OK with him

I'm wondering if I should be concerned about some comments my boyfriend has been making lately. We've been dating for about 14 months and we're pretty serious. I never thought much about the fact that I'm Catholic and he's Presbyterian. His family is more religious than mine. Lately he's mentioned a couple times that some of his family wouldn't even attend our wedding ("if we were to get married some day," is the way he puts it) because of my religion. He has told me repeatedly he's OK with our religious differences, and even that if we had children they could be raised Catholic. So, why is he telling me about the opinion of these relatives I've never met? And why mention it more than once? Should I care if some of his family members don't approve of my religion? -- Jenny in OH

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

I think it is good of him to warn you - but it probably isn't that big of a deal to him. You need to be a duck - let the c**p wash right off you.

-- CJ from Michigan

Honey, you're missing the forest here. If you decode his jumble about family issues with religion what you'll read is "I'm having issues with our relationship and I'm not brave/aware enough of what they are to come right out and tell you." I think you should get into some serious relationship talk with him and dig into what's going on. There's something that's bothering him. You need to understand what it is so that you're not blind-sided by what might follow. I should know. I played the religion card when I couldn't confront my boyfriend with the issue of his stifling relationship with his mother. I knew I couldn't live with her as my mother-in-law but I knew this fact would hurt him deeply. So I blamed our breakup on my family's "objection" to the fact that he was Jewish and I was Lutheran. In fact, my family couldn't have cared less what his faith was as long as I was happy.

--Charlofstte, Bryn Mawr, PA

You need to find out how important shared religious beliefs are to your boyfriend. It may be that he's hiding behind his "family's" discomfort. Talk with him about it. If it's that important to him you may want to consider converting to his faith. Or, it may be nothing and he's just trying to prepare you for a chilly meeting with some dusty aunts.

-- C.A. from Bettendorf, IA

Ask to meet these relatives. My experience is that people and things are a lot less threatening when you can put a face on them. If you love your boyfriend, his family will love you and be happy for you both. Also, don't worry if some relatives won't attend your wedding. What do you care? The important thing to find out is, does HE care?

-- Trish in Owensboro, KY

He's feeling you out on a potential deal-breaker. He's actually saying: 1) do our religious differences matter to you, and 2) are you thinking what I'm thinking that we're at the point in our relationship where we can begin to consider marriage? Someone has to be the first to mention the "m" word, and this may just be your boyfriend's way of taking the plunge.

-- Casey, Franklin Lakes, NJ

His questions are a yellow, but not red, flag. I married a man of Greek ancestry and I'm a midwestern WASP. We have a great marriage, but I'll never be Greek and some of his family members just don't accept me as warmly as they accept the Greek in-laws. I live with the difference and work with it, but it's always there.

-- S., Chicago 

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