She cut him off

Good idea?  Does it work?

This whole Conrad Black thing raises a question I've had for a long time. Is it OK for wife to use sex, both the giving and the withholding, to get her husband to do something? Specifically, I have more than one girlfriend who admits that when she's in an argument with her husband she'll threaten to "cut him off." One of my friends told her husband that she believes he has anger management issues and needs professional help. He denied the problem. She told him again. He disagrees he has a problem; he said he just doesn't like his boss and that's not abnormal. She finally told him he's "cut off" until he sees a therapist. It seems like dirty pool to me, but what do I know? -- Dayle, Chicago northwest suburbs

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

I have a friend who did this and claims it worked. She was desperate. Her husband was often (particularly on weekends) grumpy, in a bad mood, and intolerant -- generally not pleasant to live with. She told him she would not have sex with him until he saw a therapist and shaped up. He did. I don't think it is a tactic she uses often though!

-- Julie from St. Louis

This situation is as old and familiar as the human race. There's really two issues here. One, is this behavior right/fair? Two, is it effective? Let's start with #2. Yes, it is generally effective. Women can hold out longer than men, so they are effective when they use this ultimatum. I speak from plenty of experience I'll spare this audience from. To the more interesting issue, is it fair, the clear answer is no. It's not fair to either party. I have used sex as a way to get things and withheld it as a way to get things and I feel better about using it than withholding it. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but it's true. My husband's no fool either; he knows what I'm doing. It's really a win-win. I'd say use sex as a reward, not a weapon.

-- Beth in VA

If a husband and wife are arguing, aren't they cutting each other off automatically? The ultimatum seems redundant. We're not romantic when we're fighting.

-- Carri from Rockford, IL

You wanna be heard? Money and sex talk when you're dealing with men. Yes, it's very effective. Yes, I've used it as a way to get my husband to do what I want, but only things I consider very important. Honestly, though, I've never felt good about myself when I do this. Don't tell my husband.

-- G.R., Chicago

Giving an ultimatum, in my experience, is a very high risk way to fix things. I don't want to judge whether it's right or wrong from a moral perspective. I just think it's ineffective. Withholding sex may temporarily get you what you want but it doesn't fix things. It causes resentment, which makes the issue worse.

-- Carolyn in Manhattan Beach

Is it OK to use sex to get a man to do what you want? Honey, it’s what makes the world work! A fundamental truth is that men will do anything for sex. Anything. The prospect of sex is a powerful form of control that women have over men and a great advantage when used properly. Happy sex is basic to my relationship with my wife. On the few occasions that she has cut me off it has just caused more problems and definitely is not the way to win an argument. Fortunately she is more in favor of sex for rewards and reconciliation after disagreements. Just a slight hint of feminine sexuality at work can be a great equalizer, too. I'm sure that I've given more attention to certain females than to male coworkers.

-- Jack in Council Bluffs, IA

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