Unwelcome proposal

More than just a day at the beach

My boyfriend (he's 29) and I (I'm 26) are planning a week-long trip to Isle of Palms (Charleston, SC) next month. We're staying in a beautiful house on the beach. We're planning to swim, snorkel, take long walks, go to the area's great restaurants and all in all have a terrific time. There's just one problem. I feel in my heart that he will be proposing to me at some point during the trip, and I know I can't say yes. I love him but don't know if I want to marry him. Frankly, I'm not ready to confront the whole marriage thing right now. He, on the other hand, sees me as the girl of his dreams and I think he's been mentally mapping out our future together. We are both very excited about this trip and for me, it's a much-needed vacation from my 60-hour a week job! We have a great time together and that's enough for me. I'm wondering if I should go on the trip feeling that if he asks me to marry him I'll be letting him down in a big way, or should I confront the relationship issue now and save him the disappointment on a trip that puts us together every minute of a whole week? -- "Krista" in Basking Ridge, NJ

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

I was in a similar situation although I hadn't predicted my boyfriend was going to ask me to marry him on our trip. I was shocked when he proposed, and I tried to let him down lightly. Eventually we broke up, but amicably. I've thought back on whether I would have canceled the trip if I had predicted he was going to propose, and I'm certain the answer is no. We had a great time and his proposal was the open door to really talking about our relationship in a beautiful setting with no time constraints or other pressures. I have no regrets. Go on the trip and deal with what happens.

-- Sherrill, Lake County, IL

Here's what not to do. I was in a relationship where my dear boyfriend was much further down the road than I was. I dreaded the big "P," so I sabotaged our relationship. I became cruel and difficult because I couldn't bear the thought of telling him I wasn't interested in marrying him. He eventually broke up with me, but he never knew it was my idea all along. How dishonest and weak that was of me. So, all I'd say is be honest with your guy. That way you'll fell better about yourself.

-- Kim from Johnstown, PA

My experience is that guys are the vulnerable ones in relationships. Women control more of the strings than guys. Talk with him before the trip to take the pressure off. He'll appreciate your sensitivity and you'll avoid him feeling like a fool proposing to someone who has no intention of accepting. My guess is that you two will still go on the trip and he'll be saved from a crushing letdown.

-- Kathryn from Lexington

More than once I believed completely that it was this dinner, that vacation, this holiday, etc. when one or another boyfriend was going to ask me to marry him. In my case, the answer would have been different from yours, but the point is, I was wrong about my prediction. They didn't ask when I thought they would. Go on the trip; you could be way off in your suspicion that your boyfriend is packing a proposal. If it happens, deal with it in the moment.

-- Gerri in Cedar Rapids, IA

If you really care about your boyfriend as you say you do, you're not being completely honest with him. Something is giving you the feeling he is going to propose, and at a minimum you are not in the same place in the relationship. The trip is irrelevant. Talk with him about your relationship NOW! Accept the consequences, whatever they are in terms of the trip. It may turn out neither of you will want to take the trip!

-- Linda C., Riverside, IL

I arranged a romantic moment during a ski trip to propose to my girlfriend. The fire was blazing, the champagne was chilling, and the ring was waiting in my pocket. And waiting. "I'll have to get back to you on that," was the answer I got, as best I can recall of the surreal moments that followed. Get back she did, seven years and another engagement later. How did it turn out? We just celebrated our tenth anniversary with our two wonderful kids. Over the years I have thought that I should have done this or that differently, but I wouldn't want a different outcome. Do what you must.

-- Steve from Hinsdale, IL

© Copyright 2006-2007 NuKazoo LLC. All rights reserved.