Mom blinded by gold-digger 

Daughter fears confrontation

I'm 42. My relationship with my mother has never been the best, but now Mom is planning to marry a man I know is no good for her. I feel I should step in and get her to see this guy for what he is. Mom has a decent amount of money and her suitor is after her money. At the very least I'd like her to get a pre-nup, but if I open my mouth she'll suspect I have ulterior motives and am only protecting my future inheritance. How do I get her attention without causing more ill-will between us? Anyone ever been in a similar situation? What works? -- Gerri in MN 

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

If Mom has the hots for this guy, she won't likely be talked out of him. Trust me, you won't win her over with the "I'm concerned about you" angle. My experience with my Dad and his multiple girlfriends over the years is to say very little. Withholding compliments is far more damning than offering ridicule. If your mom wants your approval she'll ask for it. If you don't give it, she won't ask for it because she'll already have her answer.

-- Pete, Troy, MI

You don't say how you know this guy is only out for your Mom's bucks. In my case, I ended up talking to the guy about his intentions toward my mom, but only after I had my suspicions confirmed by stories of his sordid past. I indicated to him that I had every intention of telling my mom what I knew. Shortly after that their relationship fizzled. Mom and I never talked about the details, and I still don't know if he told her of my chat with him. In any case, I think you should have a little sit-down with Mr. Golddigger and ask him of his intentions and let him know you're on to him. But make sure you've got your facts straight first.

-- Diane, Northampton, PA

You've GOT to do something! Your mom, my guess, is out of practice and perhaps a little needy in matters of "luv." My mom hung out with some creep that cost her a lot of money (they didn't get married, but he moved in), despite the temporary companionship. So, hire an investigator, take photos, dig, dig, dig. If you love your mom you've got to help her through this.

-- Marlene in Frankfort, KY

I am in a similar situation with my mother now, and let me share what has helped me. Ask yourself: what really ARE your motives? Your honest answer will help you 1) decide what to do, and 2) be content with the outcome. For example, if, honestly speaking, you really are more concerned about preserving a future inheritance, then so be it. Perhaps your mom senses this and resents you seeing a dollar sign on her head. You must realize she owes you nothing. On the other hand, if your motives are completely focused on Mom's well-being, then know you can't help someone who doesn't accept your help. Either way, you have to let this go. Your mom's a grown woman and she suspects your motives. Furthermore, as much as you may feel entitled to an inheritance, you aren't.

-- Randi in Wheaton, IL

Here's where you need a third party testimonial. Get input from others who know Mr. Not-Right. He must have scammed others. Tell those stories to your mom. Be the messenger, not the prognosticator of future misdeeds. Don't make it about you and her. Make it about him and her.

-- Melanie from OH

My husband's father often accuses him of selfishly-motivated behavior when it comes to offering help or giving him advice. For example, if my husband volunteers to pick him up and help him with errands, his dad will ask him if he wants something. You know what I'm saying. Anyway, based on my husband's years and years of being misread by his father, what I've learned is that you have to separate yourself. Let your mom find out about the sleazebag in her own time.

-- S.F., Alameda, CA

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