Symbol or tether?

Family wedding bands create tension

In this era of step-families, are family wedding bands appropriate when the birth parents are active in the lives of the children? For the past 10 years, my husband and I have lived a few blocks from his ex-wife and three children. The kids live, sleep, eat, do homework and simply hang with us at least half the time. A year ago the kids' Mom remarried and the kids were each given a wedding band during the service. The rings are engraved with "One Family One Love." My husband and I love the idea of this symbol of family unity, especially for younger kids and kids who have an MIA parent. But our kids are 18, 17 and 15. And, as I mentioned above, their birth Dad is annoyingly omnipresent. The kids' Mom gets very mad when they don't wear their rings. We don't say anything about the rings but I know that they create this unspoken tension for everyone. (It's like being on a date with a married man and the bozo doesn't have the sense to stick his wedding ring in his pocket and pretend.) The dark side of my personality keeps fantasizing about treating my teens to tattoos that say, "I love my Dad and my Step Mom, too!" Anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do and how did it turn out? -- Searching for Suburban Happiness

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

Rings are a traditional symbol of commitment between adult spouses, and the commitment is made freely. In your situation it's not about spouses or even adults and it's not about freely made commitments. Frankly Mom's ring obsession feels Oedipal to me. "So, Billy, does your ring mean you're married to your mom?" Imagine the teasing. . .

-- Christine in Fort Lauderdale

The problem here is not with you, it is with the children's mom. The question is, who should tell her? That role, I'm afraid, must be filled by your husband. The rings were a nice gesture on her part, but they should have been given freely. I am divorced and my ex and I have a rule -- don't put the children in the middle of our "stuff." Your step-kids' mom is putting them in the middle of her stuff.

-- Renee in Atlanta

My gut says Mom is jealous of the good relationship the children have with you. Take her to lunch and tell her that love isn't a zero-sum game, so their love for you doesn't take away from their love for her. The positive situation with you and the children is a win-win for everyone, including her. She needs to stop taking the ring-thing personally. I'm the mother of three teens, and believe me, teens rebel. They sometimes don't want to acknowledge they have parents, let alone wear jewelry in testament to the fact. If not wearing rings is the worst they do, she is remarkably lucky.

-- Karin near Louisville

Your stepkids' mom is barking up the wrong tree. Tell her to read this column and she'll get the message.

-- Sue from Maryland

The rings are of no benefit t0 the children. The rings are an attempt to enforce the love of children in response to Mom's insecurity at the time of her marriage to husband #2. Jewelry doesn't create feelings. Show support for the children in whatever decision they make. Encourage the kids to honor their mother by expressing their true feelings, which are and should be disconnected from any ring, whether worn, not worn or lost. I had to make the gut-wrenching decision 2 years ago to let my son live with his father. My insecurities and feelings of loss were bigger than life. My son has since returned to my home, and we've never been closer. Sometimes you have to let go and trust.

-- C. R. from Englewood, CO

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