September 11, 2006

When a fence doesn't help!

Flirtatious neighbor

My married neighbor flirts openly with me at group functions.  Our circles overlap extensively -- kids sports, school, church, etc.  I haven't said anything about it to the man, and my husband hasn't brought it up with me.  The flirting makes me uncomfortable, but I don't know what to do without making an issue with someone I'll run into frequently.  Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?  -- C.B., Sedona

NuKazoo readers share their experiences:

The way I handled it was to laugh off the man's advances every time.  He eventually stopped, but I had made the mistake of telling my husband.  Ever since then my husband won't even talk to the man, which makes me more uncomfortable than when he was flirting with me. 

-- Cindy, Everett, WA

I made a joke of it each time and the guy didn't get the message.  I finally realized I was enjoying his attention but felt guilty about it.  One day the guy actually propositioned me and that was too much for me.  I told the man my husband and his wife wouldn't appreciate our conversation.  That ended it and now he sort of avoids me at social gatherings. 

-- J.P., Charlotte

Yup, it happened to me and I'm not proud of how I responded, only because the guy isn't attractive to me.  Each time he flirted, I turned my smile into a look of confusion and walked away.  Secretly I thought that if he were interesting to me I might have reacted differently.  

-- Tish, Louisville

I told the guy to stop and he denied he was doing anything.  How lame!  Now he avoids me. I wonder if I handled it the right way.

-- Amber, Arlington VA

I can only admit this anonymously.  I told my husband and he slashed the guy's tires.  When the neighbor eventually told us someone had vandalized his car, my husband told him maybe it was done by a guy whose wife he's "been going after."  The neighbor was stunned.  I think he got the message. 

-- not saying, TX

In my case my neighbor was a woman who flirted openly with my husband.  I told him it made me uncomfortable and he handled it directly.  He told her that while he's flattered, she's wasting her time.  I'm glad he handled it, but it bugs me that he honestly was flattered.

-- Sonnie, Baltimore

This is pretty common, I think. It used to make me uncomfortable, but then I realized if I don't plan to act on the guy's attention, what difference does it make?  Now I just play along and enjoy it. 

-- Diane, Milwaukee

With guys like these, I know I'm not their first target and I won't be the last.   After enduring his advances a few times, I asked him to practice on someone else!  I said it with a laugh because I didn't want to embarrass myself or him.  He's pretty good-natured, and he backed off.

-- Betsey, Denver

This describes pretty closely what happened before he and I had an affair.  My marriage is on the mend, but my husband and I are moving.  I wish I had stopped things before they started.  Too many people hurt. 

-- P.R., CO

This is going on right now with me, but it's at work.  My colleague puts the moves on me regularly and I really don't know what to do.  Making a big deal out of it could backfire.  I'll wait it out til there's a change in behavior or job! 

-- Annoyed, Columbus

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