Tell friend rumors about her new love?

Tell friend rumors about her new love?

A friend of mine ("Suzy") is in love, finally, after 5 post-divorce years of searching, kissing frogs and repeated disappointments. Suzy's completely whacked over this new guy, whom I've met and liked. I've had no reason to believe the guy isn't everything great that she says about him. Until the other day. A woman I know just as an acquaintance ("Charlotte") is a good friend of a friend of mine. I ran into the mutual friend in the grocery store when Charlotte approached and the three of us got to talking. Suzy's name came up, and Charlotte implored me to tell Suzy that the man she's in love with is notorious for catting around, and that in fact that's the real reason his first marriage ended. I had heard a completely different story from Suzy as to why the boyfriend and his ex-wife split. I'm wondering what if anything I should say to Suzy. I don't want her to be hurt. At the same time, all I've heard are rumors! Also, even if they are true, who am I to say a man can't learn his lesson? -- M.E., Chevy Chase

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

The only question you need to ask yourself is what would you want Suzy to do if your and her roles were reversed? If you'd want to be told the rumor, then tell her, and tell her WHY you're telling her, that is, that YOU'D want to know if you were in her shoes. But if you honestly wouldn't want to hear, then let it rest. Just know that few people have no dirty laundry, and reports from an ex are about as biased as it gets. My experience is that love is only temporarily blind. Suzy's eyes'll open with or without your help.

-- Ellen in Redmond, WA

How do you start a conversation like you're suggesting? "Geez, Suzy, glad you're on top of the world. Lemme tell you something that'll really bum you out. . ."? Keep it to yourself. Suzy's a big girl. I've heard lots of, er, unsavory, things about spouses of various friends of mine, mostly having to do with affairs, one-nighters, the occasional drunken carousing with strangers. I never bring it up to the friend of mine. It would serve no good purpose.

-- K.A., Pittsburgh

Friends are honest with friends. If you keep this info from Suzy you're not being honest. Tell her and let her decide what to do with the information.

-- Lisa in Evanston, IL

You gotta tell her. The rumor may be wrong, but you owe it to Suzy to let her in on what is being said about her new man. You can't control what people say, but if you don't tell her, it'll be the elephant in the living room every time you talk with her. A friend of mine once told me about a lie she heard my husband tell. I got kind of angry when she told me, but was glad she did. I discussed it with him and heard his side of the story. Had she never told me there would have been an awkwardness between us that I'd be clueless about. You'll feel awkward around Suzy if you don't tell her.

-- Colette from CO

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