Friend's ex off limits?

Wanting everyone to be happy

I'm single. I'm 41. I've been successful in every aspect of my life except finding Mr. Right. About a year ago, a long-time friend and her husband divorced. I never thought about him apart from "Marcy" while they were married. I saw them as a couple and liked them as a couple. Since their divorce, I've been fully supportive of Marcy. I recently saw "Dan" at a party and he asked me out. I was stunned. But I was also instantly attracted to him. I expressed interest in him but concern for Marcy's feelings. We said we'd talk again after I had a chance to think about it. I don't want to hurt Marcy but I feel I have to pursue my interest in Dan. Should I talk with Marcy about it? Should I go with my gut? What if I lose Marcy's friendship over this? What if Dan and I don't work out and I've lost a friend? Anyone else been there? -- Janny in CO

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

Been there. Done that. If you truly value your friendship with Marcy, leave Dan alone. Unless Marcy is totally open (even then, I'd not be sure). How well do you know Marcy? Is she a heart friend or just an acquaintance that you like? Whose idea was the divorce? Really, really think about what's important to you.

--Karen from Arkansas

That's the thing about life. . . you can't control it. Once your friend said goodbye to her husband, he was fair game for other women. That's what divorce means. Once I broke up with a long-time boyfriend and before long a friend of mine started dating him. I was furious. It wasn't rational. I didn't want him back, but I didn't want her to be interested in him. It quickly led to the end of our friendship, but I can't fault her for dating him. Go ahead and pursue your feelings for your friend's ex. My guess is you'll lose a girlfriend, but you may gain a husband.

-- Judith from Dublin, OH

Aren't there "woman-rules" like there are "man rules," even though they're not written anywhere? If you value the friendship, you won't date your friend's ex-husband. There are certain things people don't do, and this is one of them. I'd drop any friend who dated my ex-husband.

-- Ruby in Cherry Hill, NJ

On more than one occasion I've wanted to date an ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine. What I've done, and I think it's the right way to handle the situation, is that I talk with my friend before dating her ex. I tell her of my interest in the ex, but that the friendship with her comes first and that I wouldn't do anything behind her back or without her approval in advance. I've never had a friend ask me not to date her ex. Each time this has happened the friend has thanked me for being upfront with her and for letting her know I respect her and our friendship.

--Karla in Redmond, WA

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