Shoulder or doormat?

Friendship becomes frustrating

For the past year, a dear friend of mine talks constantly about how her husband disappoints her. At first it was his chauvinism, his disregard for her, his self-centeredness, and on and on. More recently it has moved into details about other women he has been with during their marriage. She says he will not change and blames her for his actions. It is so obvious to me that she should leave him, but you can't really tell someone to end their marriage. So, I've encouraged her to seek counseling. She won't. All she does is complain, vent her anger and feel sorry for herself. How much is a friend supposed to take? Anyone else been in this situation? The frustration is making me question our friendship. -- Melinda from VA

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

I think the question you have to ask yourself at this point is whether or not you are interested enough in the friend to see her through this crisis.  She's telling you she wants your ear, not your advice.  I get frustrated too when friends don't do what I think is the obvious thing in times of trouble.  Problem is, it's their life and all you know is what they tell you, which may not be the whole story.  In my experience, the right thing to do is to be there for her, not to convince her of a "right" course of action.

-- Lynda, Chicago

It's a cry for help!  To you she's beating her head against a wall.  To her she's just not ready to act but needs to hear your good sense ONE MORE TIME.  Eventually she'll be girded enough to act.  Until then, keep saying what you're saying and be a friend.

--Mo from McLean, VA

I've had the experience numerous times of topics that a friend and I "agree to disagree" about.   They are matters about which we can't see eye to eye and can't persuade the other to come around to our point of view.  We end up not talking about these topics too much because it's so unsatisfying to both of us!  I'm wondering if you and your friend can agree to disagree about her marriage and just not talk about it.

--Toni in Chesterland, OH

Sounds like it's become a one-sided friendship.  Is there any give or is it just take?  The answer is your answer.

--Alison from Northbrook, IL

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