Suspects wife cheating

Need to know greater than trust?

Lately, my wife is just different. For the past four or five months, she's become distant. She goes out with friends and doesn't tell me anything about the evening. She used to tell me everything she and her girlfriends laughed about. Also, she works out about five times a week whereas before she went to the gym only infrequently. She seems to always have "projects" at work that require extra time in the evenings. I've asked her about the projects and they seem legit, but I have a sinking feeling there's more to it. I want to trust her but can't shake this feeling she's either cheating on me or thinking about cheating. I'm not sure how to handle this. All I know is that I have to know. Any suggestions? -- Ken, Bloomington, MN

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

Whoa! You're making a superman leap from "distant" to cheating. She's your wife. Just talk to her. Don't jump to conclusions and don't make her feel defensive when you bring up the subject. A friend of mine was in a similar situation as your wife. She was acting, and feeling, distant from her husband. The reason had nothing to do with cheating. It was simply that she felt very anxious about work pressures and believed that longer work hours and the psychic benefits of more exercise would lessen her anxiety. She hadn't told her husband because she thought she could handle it herself.

-- Joanne, Flushing, MI

Why do you have a "sinking feeling?" Perhaps the real problem is you're insecure. Or maybe you already know more than you're saying. In either case, your only option now is action. If you really believe talking with her won't give you any information, look for evidence -- emails, voicemails, credit card bills. You already don't trust your wife. Otherwise you'd know that a conversation could put your mind at ease. The only question is whether your wife deserves your mistrust.

-- K.M. in Rochester, NY

Trust me, where there's smoke, there's fire!

--Gordon, Fort Worth, TX

In the best marriages that I've seen, both the husband and wife take the high road. Don't suspect. Could just be that your marriage is going through a valley, so to speak. What about a long romantic weekend to start the conversation? In my experience, they work wonders.

-- Shawna from Warsaw, IN

Your wife has unplugged from the relationship, if not (yet) the marriage. While you try to figure out what going on, you might want to ponder what you may have done to make her feel like she needs something more. I did and found I could have done much more. (Look up "empathy".) Unfortunately, it was after the divorce. Older and wiser.

-- Mike in CT

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