"Signals" or not

Just nice or interested?

I'm 32 and a senior manager in the Operations department of a large bank.  There is a woman in my department who is 2 years younger but a level higher than I am.  She is not my boss.  I would love to ask her out and am encouraged by her friendliness toward me.  But, I'm wondering if what I'm taking to be "signals" are really just courtesies.  If I ask her out and it turns out I'm off base, it'll be worse than humiliating.   It'll be hell at work.  On the other hand, if I'm not misreading the "signals" and don't ask her out, then I'm totally lame.   I'm not sure how to play this one and would like to hear some women's points of view. -- Drew in Charlotte

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

This is a risky situation.  I disagree with "M.P. in Houston".  In my experience women who are NOT available, i.e., married or committed, often feel it is safe to be very friendly even to flirt.  This gives off ambiguous signals, but gives them deniability.  (My wife still contends that our first date was merely a business pleasantry.  She had not told me that she was seeing someone else at the time.)  I have walked into this more than once, only to be shot down in flames.  Be sure you know her relationship situation and approach with a good sense of humor.  Try to get her to show some sign of definite interest before asking her out.  Good luck with that, though.  All too many women prefer that men take all the risk of rejection.

-- Ron from Indy

I met my husband at work. I knew I was interested in him soon after I met him. So I made sure I went to some of the office's after-work social occasions which I new he'd be attending. We got to know each other as friendly co-workers. After one such gathering, he offered to drive me home so I wouldn't have to take public transportation late at night. (He lived on the opposite side of the city. Hmmmm...) On the way home he asked if I wanted to stop for something to eat. The conversation during that meal reassured me that he was interested in me too. The whole process was very casual and relaxed. We just started hanging out together and liked each other more and more. Neither of us ever asked the other for a "date," so we saved each other the total (and continuous) humiliation of being rejected by someone you work with everyday.  Also, although intra-office dating was common and not discouraged, we decided to keep it very private and went to great lengths to do so. If the relationship soured, we were the only ones who would know. I found it very difficult at times, but he is a very private person and I needed to honor that. In the end, that turned out to be a very wise decision for us.

-- Bernie from Chicago

Women who are available have nothing to lose by being nice.  If it's interpreted as flirting, that's better than the alternative, which is to be labeled a heartless bitch.  Smart women, especially if they're available, realize you catch more bees with honey than vinegar.  I'd say go for it.   She may think well of you, but she may not think [about] you much at all.  You can change that by asking her out!  When I met my husband at work I was dating someone else but eventually agreed to date him because of his persistence.  We've been together happily for 9 years.

--M.P. in Houston

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  My wife of 15 years used to be my boss.  Had I not gotten over myself and asked her out, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have gotten together.  Think of it this way -- if you ask her and she snubs you, she'll be flattered, you'll be embarrassed and you'll have your answer.  If you don't ask her out, you'll hate yourself, someone else will get her and you'll always wonder.  Fortune favors boldness.  Go for it.

-- Jim from Bryn Mawr, PA

Some years ago a man from work ask me out a couple times and I wasn't interested.  I decided I didn't like his attention and filed a sexual harassment complaint with HR.  I thought that they would do what I wouldn't and tell the guy to leave me alone.  Instead they fired him!  It turns out they would much rather screw up a guy's career and deal with the loss of a good employee and a wrongful termination lawsuit than a public harassment case.  I felt horrible about the whole thing.  Both of us lost in the deal.  I should have dealt with him personally, maybe turning the request for a date into a nice lunch and a professional friendship.  

-- Sue, CT

Gotta use the network.  You never know how a woman will react, whether she's involved, whether she would consider dating someone at work, etc.  The best thing to do is use your network.  Ask around.  Find out as much as you can before you ask her out.  Assuming you get all green lights, she'll be impressed you did your homework.  I should know.  I met my boyfriend at work and I was the one who asked him out first.

-- Bethann, Grand Rapids

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