Back down or hold ground?

Delaying teen's drivers license causes ridicule

I'm a single mother of a 17-year-old son, "Max."  His father is not in his life.  While my son is a great young man, he has a long way to go in terms of embracing responsibility and anticipating consequences of his actions.  Prior to his 16th birthday, I decided to postpone allowing him to get his driver's license until he turned 18.  I have read statistics of male teen driving accidents, and the reality scares me to death.  My decision has caused endless arguments and I worry that the damage it has done to our relationship may last a very long time.  Even so, I've stuck to my guns through the turmoil of the past year.  However, now the situation has gotten worse because my son feels ostracized by his peers.  I've used the "well, if they make fun of you they can't be your friend" line many times, but much of the criticism is subtle.  It's wearing on Max's self-esteem.  I want to put Max first, but I'm not sure what to do.  Anyone else faced something similar?  What did you do and how did it turn out for your teen and you? -- Barb in Cincinnati

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

We all want our children to be safe and I admire your fortitude in weathering what I imagine are bad storms with your teenage son.  This situation is dear to my heart, as my father, when he was a young man of 41, was killed by a speeding teen driver.  Needless to say, the course of my family’s life changed because of that teen.  Now I have teens of my own (a girl and two boys) and my wife and I have made some decisions about their driving.  First, we thoroughly involve ourselves in their learning.  We require a log of 100 supervised hours with one of us prior to their getting their license.  The learner’s permit rules in our state are about months, not hours (except for the 25 hr. minimum), but we all know what counts is hours behind the wheel, not the mere passage of time.  Second, we have firm rules about car usage even for our 18 year old – number of passengers, cell phone usage, night driving.  Third, we talk about driving all the time.  When we drive with them, we talk about the many decisions the driver is making while driving.   

-- Patrick from Rockford, IL

My husband and I allowed our first daughter to get her drivers license at 16 but was not allowed to take the car out with friends until 17  and she had done just fine.  Our 2nd daughter, only one year behind in school is now 17 and still does not have a license as she was just not ready. I think it really depends on the maturity and driving skill of the teenager.  I think you should compromise with the son and let him get his permit and drive with you until you become comfortable that he can be a safe driver. Also, if and when he gets his license, limit the number of friends in his car for the first year.  This worked well in helping me feel more comfortable.

-- Diane from Chicago

 Last Valentine's Day my 16 year old son had a car accident that was not his fault that totaled his car, and to worsen the horror, I watched the entire accident with his younger sister and brother  from my own vehicle.  I understand your fear. His story is long, but he was unscathed thankfully. [That said, y]our son needs to have some responsibility before he heads off for college or life after high school whatever that may be.  My son learned how to be defensive after the accident, not just driving, but in many other areas of life.  Also...not having a sounding board for you with his father out of his life might be more of a reason you do not feel comfortable with him driving than u think.  It is a constant fear when our kids are out of our safety net, but that is what our role as parents is: give them the tools to LEARN how to live without us, make the right decisions and then circle starts again with their own children. If he really is a good kid, you are quite possibly doing damage to your future relationship with him as he might feel this is your way of keeping him home with you and not letting him make his own path.
Maybe meet him half way, let him get his license, then agree to certain times and days/night that he can drive until you both feel comfortable.
Best of luck.  If our children only knew how much we love them we would never have any issues with them. 

-- Barbara in Hinsdale

Safe driving is a lot about skill and knowledge.  Skill comes only from experience, so I make my son drive as much as possible.  So much so that he no longer thinks it is fun to run errands for us.  As the novelty of driving wears off, he is also less inclined to do stupid things with the car.  He has also gotten a lot better at anticipating and avoiding situations that could cause trouble.  He seems to rather enjoy being involved in the mental flow of defensive driving.  Safe driving is also about responsibility and a car offers lots of chances to learn that.  A car  needs gas, oil, and maintenance, all of which require some of the money from his part-time job. 

-- Andy from Springfield

© Copyright 2006-2007 NuKazoo LLC. All rights reserved.