Scolding spouse

Does brother need an ally?

My sister-in-law, who is married to my brother, berates him openly. It hurts me to hear it, and I feel it is unfair to my brother. I’ve heard her speak this way to him several times. I feel I should say something, but I’m not sure to whom and I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to interfere, but I love my brother and want him to be treated with the respect he deserves.  -- R.B. in Lexington, KY

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

Never get between a man and his wife, even in his defense.  I learned this the hard way with my cousin and his wife.  I spoke up and told her in front of him that her sniping was uncalled for.  Now they don't speak to me, but she trashes me to others. 

-- Neal in IN 

My brother-in-law was always running down my sister in front of family and friends.  After telling him to ease up, first with humor and then a bit more pointedly, he seems to have gotten the message from her big brother.  He isn't mean, just a jerk who is finally growing up.

-- Dale in Dallas

This has happened to me with my sister and her husband, and believe me, you can't win.  Unless the sibling says something to you, stay out of it!  Bringing up the subject can only alienate the in-law and put the sibling in the uncomfortable position of defending his wife.

-- Deborah, Austin

In cases like this, I generally let my feelings be known in a non-threatening way.  I'd make a joke of it, and sis-in-law will get the point.

-- Tracee in Allendale, MI

I've seen more than one friend have to deal with a berating spouse.  Because my relationship is with the friends, I made no attempt to bring up the issue with the wives.  I've let the friends know that I heard the spouse, and that I may think more of them than their wives.  I figure that they will either find their balls and make her show some respect, divorce her, or decide that she is worth keeping, even with her periodic belittling of him.  Outcome is a crapshoot, though.  Among my friends there has been one divorce, and maybe less flak from the wife in another case. 

--  SD, Chicago

The key here is that YOU are having the problem.  Once I had a friend whose husband was always putting her down in front of people.  I finally said something to her and she defended him.  They're divorced now, but my comments put a strain on our friendship.

--- K.R., Vermont

When this happened to me, I phrased it in the context of concern about the offending sister-in-law and asked her privately if something was bothering her.  In hindsight, even though she took it pretty well and opened up to me, I realize I would have stayed away from the subject if I didn't already have a pretty close relationship with her.

-- Robin in Crystal Lake, IL

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