Political fallout

Aired differences ruin friendship

My dear friend of many years does not share my political views.  After a recent heated discussion, she said she now believes our friendship is based on a lie because different politics mean different values, and friendship presupposes shared values.  She has decided our friendship cannot continue.  I'm sad, angry, confused.  Can I do anything to make a difference?   -- Marcy,  Brooklyn

NuKazoo readers shared their experiences:

I have found that the political views of most people merely mirror the positions espoused by self-serving politicians, whose true interests are intentionally obscured.  Their interests are driven by campaign contributors who "buy" the attention of the politician, a perfectly legal form of corruption.  

Friendship, characterized by voluntary mutual caring and support is a better model for society than the divisive political battles to determine who gets to give the tax revenues to their supporters and demonize their political adversaries. Talk politics, but be a friend.

--Dixon from Knoxville, TN

I hadn't thought of it exactly this way before, but reaching a stalemate on issues of important political content has limited my friendship with a few people.   I haven't "dumped" them summarily, but I have become more passive in the relationship.  For example, a friend of mine believes deeply that the U.S. gov't is failing the country by letting so many jobs be "outsourced" overseas.  I, on the other hand, believe just as strongly that free market forces should rule, and that if companies can improve profits with cheaper labor abroad, good for them.  My friend and I simply do not see eye to eye.  It has colored my opinion of him; I'd be lying to deny it. 

-- Mark, Troy, MI

True friends should be able to discuss anything, even religion and politics.  Isn't it just arrogance to expect a friend to agree with our politics?

-- J.L. in Rockford, IL

My closest friend for almost 40 years is a dyed-in-the-wool Republican. I am decidedly not. We agreed a long time ago to never discuss politics. We know that we can do it -- and do it thoughtfully and intelligently -- but neither of us wants to run even the slightest risk of damaging our wonderful relationship. So every time I hear someone demonize the opposing party, I think of her and remind myself that there are good, conscientious people in all political parties. That's what makes America great.

-- Bernie from Brookfield

Personal insecurities ruin friendships, not differences in political opinion.  The real answer is the two friends need more discussion, not less.  And the ground rules are that no one can get defensive; no one can take things personally.  In my experience, people let their emotions speak their point of view when they run out of true knowledge about a subject.

-- Dana in Evanston, IL

There's a reason the old saying is never discuss religion, politics or sex with friends.  No good can come of it.  Bet you learned your lesson.

-- Rob, MI

Friendship is a bizarre and elusive thing.  Does it "presuppose shared values?"  I'm not so sure.  Some of my dearest friends are on the opposite side of very important "political" issues, such as immigration, abortion, how to fix social security, stem cell research, on and on.  But what binds them to me as friends is more the goodness in their hearts, their sense of humor, their grace in the face of adversity, their honesty, etc.  If I've lost a friend over "political" differences the person wasn't really a friend.

-- Rene from CT

I have several friends whose politics are different from mine.  For me, the important thing is to respect the differences and hear them out with an open mind.  The thrill is in the discussion; consensus on these things is boring.  I must admit, though, I love it when I win someone over with my side of the argument.

-- Alia, Bethlehem, PA

Shared values cannot be grouped as an all or nothing.  To have a real discussion you have to nail down exactly what "values" you are talking about.

 -- Rhonda in Tampa

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